It’s Been Seven Years
It's been seven years
Mommy was like a layer of atmosphere
Or the sea
We absolutely swum in her affection
And we did not know what we had until
She was en-withered
And the arm she held up for us faltered
The shield that her presence formed over us
Dimmed and fizzled
And the dark things at the edge
We’re able to press in uninhibited
I strangely struggle to remember her sometimes
I think it’s a grief response
An instinctive withdrawal from tenderness
To save myself from pain
But I remember warmth
En-wrapping affection and delight
Hers and mine
Hers in me
And mine in what she permitted me to be proud of
And mine in her affection
I remember warmth
ambient and hug-like
In addition to actual hugs
Under Mommy’s overwatch,
I felt life moments like an adventure
More often at least, but…
Without her delighted eyes over me
Life can feel a grim pilgrimage
I’ve reeled from the shock
At least up to the present
I see my short breaths
In the chill air of her absence
Colder, starker, sharper
Atmosphere without
The infusion of Mom’s love
I heard
A line
in a silly movie recently:
“I can see how you would feel alone
After losing someone like that”
Precisely on point!
The soul is left lonely
Orphaned by the bereavement
and left to twilight
And the grace of God
Who is entirely capable
But who did not take away the pain
And who –
The Son –
Says himself:
“Why have you forsaken me?”
Do we perhaps share the experience
of abandonment by a parent
Who didn’t actually abandon us
But whose affection is nonetheless
Masked by some imposed distance…
That distance being death and dying ?
And the sky goes dark
And a membrane tears inside
Top to bottom, jagged lines
The innermost place exposed
To an atmosphere lacking
The ambient comfort
Once suspended within it
I miss you
I wish I could see your face more clearly in my memory
I want to love like you did
Well done
Well done
I love you